dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
oh god was she eating orange peels again
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
