I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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