So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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