the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I have already put on my inside pants.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
