i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
