It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
