he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
