I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
