I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
