I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
