We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
