She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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