Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
