A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I checked into jail on foursquare
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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