I wish I could punch you in the face.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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