Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
