I think I died a long time ago.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Randomize