i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
