and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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