I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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