Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
