a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
