Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
