I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
i out mim tonsoeep
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