i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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