he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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