She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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