i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
