I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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