remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
