dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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