Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
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