Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
of course. lets lasso hookers.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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