he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
