i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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