so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
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