Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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