my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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