my soul wont recognize me after tonight
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
