So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
