literally had 100 drinks last night.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
