I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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