in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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