My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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