Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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