Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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