Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
