Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
