i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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