i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
