we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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