I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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