I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize