i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
