Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
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