all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
