so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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