you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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