morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
