I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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