My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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